I was interviewed today on Dublin radio (Ireland) and the topic of closure after breakups kept coming up. I could probably boil closure down to 3 minutes if it was about breakups but they gave me time to explain it.

After the interview an Irish listener emailed me and asked about closure again, not quite understanding what I said. She asked several times, “What if the person refuses to talk to you? How can you get closure?” I repeated that it is not necessary for the person to speak to you. Even if you get to ask everything, you won’t be satisfied. If you harbor thoughts or feelings that the relationship can be repaired or the breakup was wrong, you’re not going to be able to listen to “I’m just not into it…” or “Remember that fight we had over dinner 2 weeks ago. That was the last straw for me.” Your brain is going to go “WHAT??? That CAN’T be.”

And this person, like other people, just didn’t get it. She didn’t get WHY she couldn’t get the answers and kept insisting how she needed it and need to talk to him and nothing else would do. I suggested she read my book and read about closure but she didn’t want to hear it. I don’t expect her ex is going to have any luck getting “it’s over” across to her.

As I’ve said in the book and on this blog, you cannot get “closure” from somewhere else or someone else. You cannot go through a divorce and ask your ex to talk to you about the relationship or remaining issues under the guise of needing “closure.” You don’t need the answers to move on. You don’t need to know what your ex thinks about you or anything else for that matter in order to move on, do your grief work, integrate the loss into your life and turn the page.

It doesn’t matter what the answers are. It doesn’t matter what the questions are. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter.

Your “closure” is your responsibility. And you get closure by doing your work, not re-engaging and dredging up more stuff, by keeping yourself safe and being good to yourself as you un-attach from that which you have been attached.

The healing comes from INSIDE YOU and that someone else’s explanation will not help you to closure.
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When we have issues or emotions or behaviors that we don’t like, it is not helpful (in fact it is hurtful) to say “What a jerk I am….” or “How weak I am…” or whatever. If you’ve read the Affirmation chapter in the book, you know that the subconscious takes these statements as truth. The reason that positive affirmations work is that you can reprogram your subconscious given time (at least 30 days) and effort (taking the negative self talk out and putting the positive self talk in).

A bit of a background on me, I was born the oldest of 3 into a very close Italian family. Both of my parents were very young, my mother was just 21 when she had me. Two and a half years later my sister T, who is handicapped was born and from what I have heard, everything changed. She was a very sick baby and had to have many operations, she wasn’t expected to live, but she did and the challenges of her handicaps have been an issue for the whole family for the last 37 years, plus she has major behavioral problems. Seven years after my handicapped sister T was born, my mom gave birth to another girl S, this time, healthy, thank God. My parents always told me I was like a little adult from the moment I came into this world. I even remember my mother discussing with me at nine years old, that the pregnancy with S was an accident and she was having tests done to see if she would be born with any handicaps. She informed me if that were the case and she was like my sister T she was going to have an abortion. Looking back I can certainly understand that, she was young overwhelmed and T is a major challenge on a daily basis.

Wanted to put it up here to remind myself when I forget, or when it seems more reasonable to just set it aside for the sake of everyone else.

I contend that we aren’t really giving of ourselves when we set aside our well-being for someone else. We’re protecting ourselves from pain (the painful realization that we aren’t needed or don’t match someone else’s expectations or can’t bring happiness or to cover our own feelings of dislocation and not belonging). We aren’t protecting ourselves from mistreatment or abuse, either, since love never covers that multitude of sins. Only good fences and a fierce loyalty to your well-being can stop the force of control and anger aimed at you.

Truth is, you can only give if there’s something in the tank to give away. If you go into debt to yourself, some day your soul will come to collect. “You can’t cheat the dark gods.” The price can be high, depending how deep the debt. You wouldn’t go into debt to give to a charity, and so you shouldn’t go into soul debt in order to love others.

If we safeguard our well-being, gently protecting it like you would your grandmother’s nicest china dessert dish, you’ll be able to give to others because your spirit will be in good shape, ready and able to be the platter from which love is served. I didn’t know this, for my whole life. So I’m way in debt. I’m paying it off slowly now, looking at overdue bills and figuring out how to settle accounts with myself.